Weary Wings

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's been a while...

It's been some time since I posted on here. I haven't forgotten you all but it just seems that when I have something important to blog, I have no time to blog it. Such is life.

School has started again. At least for the older boys. Oddly, I have two high schoolers but a two different high schools. We are zoned for a new school that just opened but it opened with only 9th and 10th grade so, although my 9th grader is going there, my 11th grader will stay at the other high school. It's been interesting as they are both involved in their own activities and we are doing a lot of running around to get them back and forth. However, I am glad they are involved so I don't mind too much.

Ephram starts preschool tomorrow which means I will start working regular hours again. I am looking forward to the routine and getting more experience in the law office. I am still enjoying that a ton and looking forward to learning more as I go.

We have been cooking a lot, as usual. It's a bonding time for us here. Although school has taken over my dining room table so we do most of our eating picnic style on the living room floor. We do manage to turn the TV off so there's at least that but I need to get more organized so we can be back at the table regularly again. I am not sure what will inspire me this weekend but if I remember too, I will share it with you all.

I am enjoying school although it is more challenging than I expected. And staying at home for the last 4 years has not really done much for my writing skills. I am getting back into the groove though.

We have a had peaceful season around here. It's been nice but I tend to get more and more anxious the longer the calm goes on. Something about not really believing that things will stay that way I guess. It's been good though and I think I am learning to talk more about the emotional roller coaster I tend to live on rather than letting those emotions take me for a ride. Keep this in your prayers as I long to grow in this area more and more.

That's all for now. Drop me a comment if you want and let me know how things are going for you. I would love to hear!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Eating More Than Praying...

So the other night James and I had a date. I hadn't realized how long it had been until we started planning it. Then I thought, "This. Date. Must. Happen." And, it did.

We went to see the movie, "Eat, Pray, Love." I admit, I liked it for all it's dysfunctional chic flickiness and pretty much ignored what I didn't like. Isn't that what we all do. Or should do...maybe.

Anyhow, what I did like was the emphasis on food and how we can use that to learn to enjoy life more. I just don't think we do that as a culture here in America. I didn't learn to be a foodie from all the times my grandparents took me to dinner at Denny's, no. And don't get me wrong, I cherish those memories with them, but, not for the food. It was in the kitchen of friends and in the restaurants of Monterey Peninsula that I developed a longing for food that did more than stuff me. I wanted it to taste GOOD! Really good.

So, one scene in the film spends a lot of time chronicling an experience with pasta. It made me hungry. I could taste and smell it from watching and I am certain that is what the director was going for. I wanted that damn pasts. And get this, I don't generally crave pasta. Never. I crave things like cheese. And beef.

Well, this pasts sent me on a mission to create what I thought I saw on screen. I started with some olive oil. Tossed in a chopped onion, some chopped carrots and celery along with some garlic and cooked the veggies down. Oh yeah, I had already cooked about a pound of chicken breast in onion and garlic and put it to the side.

Once the veggies were cooked through, I poured in some simple canned tomato sauce and added salt, pepper, rosemary, parsley, and oregano. I waited til the end to add the chicken and some fresh basil from the planter on my porch.

I cooked the pasta perfectly al dente and tossed it all together with the sauce. I added some fresh Italian cheese on the top and it was wonderful. (I can't remember the name of the cheese and don't want to go look to tell you what it was, sorry.)

All this brings me back to how I am feeling tonight. Besides the food, a little more full. A good meal will do that you know. make you feel rich when the numbers say you're poor. Make you feel grateful when otherwise you might've sulked. I don't need to sulk anymore than I do. I am grateful, for a good meal, and a good life.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Heartache for my Friend

I wish I was eloquent enough to do justice to this issue. Until I am I will just refer you to my friend Elissa's blog. She is experiencing this injustice firsthand and can best speak to it.


Read and pray.
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Friday, July 30, 2010

Trying this again.

I decided to try this business of blogging from my phone again. Still not sure what I think other than the fact that I can type much faster on my computer.

Oh well.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Starting Again

So, tomorrow I start some online classes to train as a paralegal. It's a year long program and I am pretty excited about it. As you know, I am already working in a law office and am enjoying that so much that I have decided to make a career change out of it. So far it's been good.

We have had a lot of rain lately and for me, that get's depressing. I tend to frequent the pool here at our apartments and not getting out enough does me no good. I tend to eat more when I get out less and that just adds to the...well to me.

That's about it for the time being. I am hoping I still have time to blog when the classes start as well as hoping I feel inspired to blog. Truthfully, I am not pouring much into my head to inspire me and I can do something about that. Maybe I will.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Not too many of these

I had an encounter with God tonight. Not that I don't encounter Him everyday but tonight it was personal, He was really speaking to me.

I had an experience like this about 10 years ago in the living room of my little one bedroom apartment I shared with my two boys. It's hard to explain but I became overwhelmed with the notion that, there, in my living room, sat with me the same God that conversed with Noah about building the ark. I know it sounds silly but in a very special moment I was overcome with the reality of His presence and I have never forgot that moment. Tonight was not unlike that night.

I think I mentioned before that I am part of a new program at our church called Redemption Group. It is an intense 12 week study on the Exodus that leads us to examine parts of our own lives in light of that story. It has been an amazing experience for me and I can say without hesitation that no other study has drawn out of me the things this study has.

In the course of an evening we often open us the floor to ask one another questions as we feel led by the Holy Spirit. I realize this might seem weird to someone who doesn't practice the same faith as I do but, nevertheless, that's how we operate in the group.

Leading up to my time in this group has been a couple of dry years between me and the Lord. I have not questioned His existence or anything like that but have really struggled with how distant I have felt from Him. Honestly, I never expected the Holy Spirit to use me in that group because I had come to believe I wasn't someone He wanted to use. In a sense, I felt useless.

Imagine my surprise tonight when I felt a burning desire to ask, not one, but two questions. When I say burning, I mean I was going to leap out of my seat if I didn't get to open my mouth. What was even more interesting was that I wasn't necessarily interested in knowing the answers. I just knew that the questions had to be asked. After asking them, I was humbled by how apparent it was that God had led me to ask those questions. I was feeling joy and humility all at once as I realized that in spite of myself, He used me. And that's not even the cool part.

When I left I turned on the car and hit play on my MP3 player for the ride home. The words,"though silent I can tell, that you're alive and well, cause I can feel you move in me", played through the stereo and I had immediate goose bumps as I realized that there in my car, Jesus sat with me. I can't explain how it feels to know that the God of the Universe is sitting in your car but I can tell you, when He is, you know it. And we rode together silently as I thanked Him for being there and for allowing me to be used tonight. It was incredible.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Things to be thankful for...

There are a couple of people in my life today who are having a rough time. The details don't really matter but suffice it to say that I have been where both of them are and hate feeling the way I know they feel. This causes me to be thankful today, which is something I forget to be most of the time. To celebrate, I decided to write a little list of things I am thankful for. Here it is.

1. Food, particularly good food which I have been blessed with the talent to create.
2. Teenage sons who don't mind hanging out at home sometimes.
3. Being a place that my kids friends know they can come to if they need it.
4. The friends my kids have. They are not all good but there are a few gems in there that I am grateful God has blessed them with.
5. The law. Not that I could ever live under it from a biblical sense, but I love the law that governs and rules our state and our country. It thrills me to know that there is a standard by which we measure right and wrong and I am thrilled to be learning it.
6. Career changes and the excitement these changes bring.
7. Hair color. I would look A LOT older than I am if I let my gray grow out.
8. Days off. As much as I enjoy going to my new job, I very much enjoyed the day off today to do nothing.
9. Jesus, mostly I am thankful for His love and sacrifice for me and I pray I can be counted worthy enough to glorify his name.

That's all I can think of right now although I know there is so much more. Be praying for my friends, for this time in their lives to pass quickly and for them to not be too wounded that they can't let God do a new thing in place of this pain.


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Redemption Group

Tonight was good. I had my redemption group meeting. I was nervous to go because tonight was my turn to "tell my story". The way it goes is that we each took a turn telling our stories for ten minutes. Now, obviously you can't actually tell your whole story in ten minutes but you get the idea. What are the big issues, events and people in your life? As quickly as the ten minutes went by, I was amazed at how much I managed to include.

So that's over with now. I am glad. It's really easy to be honest about your life within the anonymity of a blog but doing so face to face with people is a whole other story. It's funny too because I generally don't get freaked out talking about my self. I might even say that most of the time I like it. I know how self-centered that is by the way. Yet, this time was different. I was genuinely nervous. I think that's because the goal of this group is to help me dig in and see how these points in my life have changed my focus.

One of the main premises of what we are doing in Redemption Group is that inherent in being human is being a worshiper. We all worship something. I can look over the way I have dealt with much of the pain of my past and honestly, I have to ask myself, do I worship that pain? It sure gets a lot of mileage in my head. It certainly defines me more than I have allowed anything else to define me. And I am not certain I am comfortable with that. I want to be defined by something bigger, something amazing.

I will share more as I go through this program. I am excited and challenged at the same time. I look forward to changing the patterns in my thinking as I go and trying to learn a new way to see me and those around me. I am humbled by the kindness and honesty of the other women in my group. I am blessed to be walking this journey with them and blessed that you all will walk it with me.



Monday, June 7, 2010

At a loss

Tonight is not such a good night. And I am kind of at a loss of what to do. So, I thought, now's a good time to blog. That's what it's there for right?

It started out ok. We planned to spend some time hanging out as a family. So far so good. Last night I had fallen asleep early and I wanted to be more attentive tonight. We were planning a family movie night, this being the first night of summer. We used to do this when my older boys were little. We would pull out all the blankets in the house and make a big bed on the floor. Then we would get into our jammies and watch a movie or whatever line up of shows we were addicted to at the time. These were always fun times and today my 14 year old suggested we do it again with Ephram and DeAndre. It sounded like a plan to me.

James wanted me to watch a show he has recorded for me last night. I knew he was trying to be thoughtful so I relented even though I was eager to get on with our movie night with the kids. We sent the little ones to play but they didn't want to go. They started fussing at each other and soon had earned an early bedtime and, thus, no movie night. We were all disappointed.

Since then things have taken a turn for the worse. Nobody here is in a great mood and that leads to either silence or yelling. Tonight it's silence and it's so loud it's deafening. I hate the silence. I hate not talking when there is obviously something to talk about. I have feeling like I must speak but no matter what I say it will be the wrong thing. I hate how I feel right now.

So, we need some prayers tonight. And some fresh air for those of us awake. Rest too, that would be good. Other than that, I am, as I said, at a loss.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Blogging from my phone...

Right now I am blogging from my phone. I'm not sure I like it though. I guess in a pinch it would do. I don't really have anything other than that to report today.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Less depressing than the last...

Ok, enough of all the heavy hearted creepy stuff, let's get on to Friday night. Around here that means good food and maybe some wine. I love to cook and it's even more fun when James joins in. I usually spend the week brainstorming about what concoction I can come up with for Friday night.

It often involves pizza. I make homemade pizza dough and love to try new things on it. A recent favorite is chicken bruschetta pizza. It's so amazing. I almost want to make it every Friday but that would grow old quickly. It's homemade dough, with chicken, fresh basil, fresh tomatoes, garlic, onion and lots of cheese. We found that putting lots of tomatoes on it also helps get around a pizza that is sometimes dry with no sauce. I also, generally drizzle a good amount of olive oil over the dough for flavor and to keep it moist.

Tonight we tried a new one. I saw Rachel Ray make a recipe for linguine with sausage, grape tomatoes and arugula. It looked delicious and I even wrote in down for the menu tonight til it occurred to me that most everything that tastes good with pasts, tastes even better on pizza.

I made some alterations. We went for spicy Italian sausage, grape tomatoes, spinach and lots of cheese. So far, the first one was good. Way better than decent. I did make some alterations, and, of course, add cheese, to the second version and am now waiting for it to come out of the oven. I did cook some onion with the sausage and sprinkled some chopped fresh garlic onto the HEAVILY oiled dough. All this with a bright Pino Noir and it's a perfect Friday evening.

I must remember to save a glass to drink on the porch. That is one of my favorite things to do. Drink wine on the porch.

Anyhow, here's to hoping everyone had a Friday meal as amazing as mine was. Love to you all.


"The wind is moving through the trees and ushering you, to better places found, feasting at Your table I am overwhelmed, and I lift my glass and drink to Love that never gave up..."- Robbie Seay Band

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Some Crazy Stuff

I insisted from the beginning that this blog would include those pieces of my life that are, well, less normal than other. Whatever that means. I started the blog in place of a journal that my therapist recommended. I guess the idea of possibly having someone else read (hear) me was appealing so I started the blog.

So far I have kept most entries pretty normal. Just the facts and some random stories from my life. It hasn't been purposeful. I just wasn't really in the mood to write anything more revealing. And, as you'll see, mood happens to be a huge factor in my life.

Early on I did reveal that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed about a year ago and have been medicated since then. What that means is that I have a hard time regulating my emotions particularly the negative ones. I believe that I would have gone undiagnosed had I not gotten pregnant and quit working to stay home with Ephram. I entered into a period of depression like none I had ever known and could not find my way out of it. Add to that a relatively young marriage between two people who are not good at conflict and a perfect storm of sorts revealed the depths of my emotional state.

I always knew that I had trouble dealing with negative emotions. I knew that I experienced rejection in an intense way. I just attributed all that to certain people in my life. I felt that if I removed these people, or at least changed the nature of the relationship, I would remedy the problem. In part, I was right. Limiting close connections, and thus, opportunities for relational disappointments, I did experience a period of time in my life that was relatively stable for a few years. During this time I went to college and made the move from California to Texas, which was a good move for my family.

I did, however, find that I was extremely harsh with my kids. That bothered me but I justified my responses to them by telling myself that it was hard to be a single mom of two boys. I would insist that I needed to be tough on them because they didn't have a dad around to do that. I do remember once talking with a counselor about it and she told me the same things. She completely reinforced the excuses I was already making to myself. Deep down I knew there was more to it but hoped that feeling would go away.

Getting married was probably a catalyst for cracking the damn so to speak. James, my husband, is a great guy. He has loved me well over the last few years, in spite of myself. But, when things became hard between us, I was totally unprepared to find myself the same emotional wreck I was when I was 20. Like I said, I thought my emotional problems were the fault of others in my life. Having married someone who was completely different from men in my past, I never imagined he would incite the same behaviors from before. Only this time, it got worse. I was utterly hopeless that my life would ever change because I had made all of these external changes and not a single thing had changed internally. I was still a mess.

I would find myself locked in the bathroom weeping uncontrollably for long periods of time. I would not allow James to sleep when I felt we had something that needed to be resolved. The problem was, I needed to have this ambiguous feeling of resolution that never came. No matter what he did or said, it didn't feel resolved.

Then there was the boredom. Borderlines often experience an intense feeling of emptiness. It shows up without warning and so far, I have not found a cure for it other than going to sleep. Since I began taking the medication the feeling comes less often than it used to but it still comes. I have had to learn to communicate what's going on to James because I found that these were times when I was likely to pick a fight. Strangely, feeling like an emotional basket case is better than this emptiness. It's hard to describe but I once sat down and wrote out how I was feeling shortly after one of those moments. Here is what I wrote...

...I don't remember being told that some days, I would want to drive away. Not like for a drive or even a drink, but to get in the car (van, UGH!) and pull away from the house and just drive. And never look back. I remember thinking this clearly one night while I was making dinner. James had been gone for a few nights in a row and was on his way home. He tended to be in a good mood on the evenings he was headed home and liked to talk. Seemed like it always came when I was at the worst hour of my day. Around five o'clock, trying to make dinner, figure out which teen needed a ride where, and pacify a cranky toddler. And as much as I wanted to be the woman he dreamed of on those afternoons, I often couldn't.

Just as I got things settled enough to start prepping dinner, he called. I tried to be a good listener, tried to be interested but I couldn't even hear what he had to say. All I could think is, 'I just want to drive away. Why can't I just drive away?' So I said it. I said,"Do you ever just want to drive away?"

I could tell by the change in his voice that I'd hurt him. I hadn't meant to but I hadn't thought it out either.

"Like, what do you mean? Like go for a drive. Get out of the house? Do you need me to stay with the kids so you can do that when I get home?"

"No. I didn't mean that."

"What then?"

"Do you ever just want to drive away? Never look back, drive til you stop and start over somewhere all alone?"

"I don't think so." I could tell he was afraid to tell me that he never just wanted to leave for good. I could tell he was worried.

So was I...

It's lonely to feel that way. And lonely to figure out that what you're feeling is not normal to those around you. That afternoon I realized something was very wrong but, still, couldn't bring myself to be totally honest about it.

It was around this period of time that James finally called our therapist after a particularly bad night. I had started some self injury behaviors that really scared him. His phone call to her led to my being evaluated for medication. Taking it has been a relief on many levels. I am grateful for the scientists who study the human brain and could find that there were some chemicals that I was probably short on. We have experienced lots of change since the medication.

One change that has not been so welcome, though, has been the numbing of my emotions. I know that sounds crazy since that is exactly what needed to happen on many levels but I had come to know that heightened sense of emotionality as normal. I was passionate about my faith, my kids, issues that I felt strongly about. I had this intensity in everything I did that was often met with positive feedback. To have that side of me erased was hard. I realize that that same intensity is what was destroying my relationships and truly, my life. Nevertheless I missed it.

Missing it is what led to this blog. My therapist recommended that I begin to journal about how I felt, or, rather, didn't feel anymore. It was funny because before the meds, nobody ever had to suggest a thing like journaling. It was just something I did. My emotions poured freely out of me onto paper in the form of prose and poetry. However, once I began the meds, that intense need to emote was diminished so I never did. I would even complain that I couldn't write anymore. I wondered if that was true.

Back when I was teaching high school I had my students journal everyday. They would sometinmes say that they had nothing to write about and I would tell them, "just write." And they would. I decided to take my own advice and just write. I was going to journal whether I felt like it or not.

The blog decision came later but it makes perfect sense for a borderline like myself. Those with BPD often complain of not feeling heard or understood. So, writing a blog that could be ready by anyone who found it helped meet that need. I have a few friends who may read it from time to time as well, I don't know how often because I don't ask. Just believing that someone is reading it is enough.

So, if you hung in there for this ridiculously long post. Thank you. Thank you for reading and if anything I wrote is something you can relate to, great. I hope it helped.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I got a job!

Some of you know that I recently decided to go back to work after four years of being at home with Ephram. My plan was to jump right back into teaching only, now, in a public school rather than private as I was teaching before. Private school doesn't pay nearly as much and, frankly, it wouldn't be worth it otherwise.

I set out to take my state test, which I passed. This was necessary in order to be granted "probationary certification" so that I could be hired. I planned to enter an alternative certification program that allowed me to finish the process and work as a teacher at the same time. Sounds good, right?

Not so fast. This year there are many experienced, certified teachers out of work, looking for a job. Suddenly my private school experience didn't gain me any leverage up against those coming out of a public school classroom. I began to realize that I might not get a job teaching this year and started looking at other positions, mainly sales.

In the meantime I noticed that a friend of mine posted a need for someone to do office work at her legal office. I responded that I would be interested and we set up a time to meet together. I went to her office and we chatted about the number of hours per week and pay rates and what not. We also discussed that it might turn into something more full time later. The situation sounded mutually beneficial to both of us and we agreed I would start Tuesday June 8th.

I am so excited. First of all the woman I will be working with is someone I really respect and enjoy being around. We worked together in some networking situations and it went well. I think it will be a good fit. The other thing is that I have always been interested in law. In fact, when I first moved to the Houston area I briefly
considered going to law school. Needless to say, this opportunity was a really good match.

Here is the crazy part. (I told you this blog would be crazy sometimes.) Anyhow, a week or so ago I got a message through Facebook from my older sister. I hadn't seen or heard from her in 20 or so years. We have the same father but different mothers. Reconnecting has been fun and we are learning about each other as we go, trying to catch up after all these years.

Back to the crazy part. She studied English Literature in college, has always thought of getting her credential to teach but presently works in a law office. Oh yeah, that's the part I left out, I taught high school English. Isn't that weird. It's like one of those shows where siblings are reunited and they have lived somewhat parallel lives. I found it interesting to say the least.

More on all this another time. Glad to have this chance to go back to work and use some of my skills again. Should be fun.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


Today has been a wonderful day. I don't feel that way often so I figured I should share it. I have an awful lot of negative that I am prone to share so I might as well try to balance it with some positive. Or maybe even practice focusing on the positive.

Back to today, it was wonderful. For the past few months I have been working part time at a preschool. This in addition to watching two children whom I have cared for for the last two and a half years. Well, Monday was the last day of preschool and the next couple of weeks will be my last with C and L. It's bittersweet because I have been able to stay at home with Ephram, he's had built in playmates and I really have attached myself to these two kiddos. No matter, the time has come for me to re-enter the world of full time work and this phase of life will come to an end.

Anyhow, having all that in mind, I have set out to enjoy these last days with all the kids here. So, today, we did just that. They get here in the morning and usually we watch some kids shows in the living room for a while. Today, we all piled onto the couches and watched together while I sipped my coffee for the better of an hour and a half.

They played for a while after that as I cleaned up the kitchen and made everyone's lunch. Two Nutella sandwiches and one jelly sammy, hole the peanut butter please. after they ate we put our shoes on and headed out for a quick trip to the bank. Everyone was excited thought because I had promised them we would go swimming when we returned.

And swim we did! I took all three kids down to the pool at our complex and we hung out there for about and hour and a half soaking up chlorine and vitamin d. It was lovely. The two older ones, Ephram and C, are fairly sturdy in the water with their floaties on. L gets nervous so mostly he clung to me. We paddled around and threw water toys at each other. It was fun.

Once we were nearly shriveled to death we headed back to the apartment. It was hot outside so coming into the air conditioned entry way was wonderful. We all got into our dry clothes, had a snack and two of the three fell asleep. Bonus! While they slept C watched something on Netflix and I worked on my bible study. It really was a perfect summer day. I even did a little laundry and it didn't seem like work at all.

Something else I am really excited about is starting in June at my church. We are connected to the Acts 29 network of churches and so we are now adopting a cool thing they do at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, which is like home base to Acts 29. Anyhow, they have a recovery program of sorts called Redemption Groups. I have been involved wtih Celebrate Recovery for a while and so I figured this was similar and went to the initial meeting to learn more about it.

To say that it is a recovery program is really a disservice because truly, it's not. The materials to go with the program are based on the premise that we are all worshipers and all of our problems have something to do with worship or idolatry. It is a very structured program but they way the groups are run really allow for the Holy Spirit to move and make the changes that God already wants to make. I am excited because although I love my step group at Celebrate Recovery, sometimes I feel like the emphasis is on how I can change rather than on the miraculous changes I believe God wants to do in me.

Not coincidentally I am also working on the "Believing God" bible study by Beth Moore. I am working on the section of homework that is titled "I Am Who God Says I Am." I so need to believe that. I want to be a living example of the redemptive work Christ can do not only in the heart, but IN MY MIND! I heard Beth Moore say once that of all the miracles she has seen God perform the greatest one has been the one he performed on her mind. Doesn't that excite you? I am believing God for that. For a miraculous transformation by the renewing of my mind. Amen.

So, here's to some more lazy summer days with all these kids. Here's to finding a job, sooner rather than later. Here's to Redemption Groups and Celebrate Recovery and all Jesus centered programs to promote healing in people. And here's to a great day. I needed one. Now I will go pour some of it out on James so he can have a great day too.

Much love!

Monday, May 17, 2010

My introduction to Kurt Vonnegut

I started tutoring again. That's good news. Sort of. The scheduling is hectic and although it pays well hourly, I generally don't work as many hours as I might need to for the pay to make much of a difference.

Anyhow, I am reading Slaughterhouse Five with a student I am working with. He needs someone to discuss the book with him as he prepares for a school project around the text. It's a huge stretch for me because I tend to stick to self-help books and girly novels that make me feel good about life and love. This is not that kind of book. Not even a little.

I am hanging in there though. It's actually an entertaining read but that might be part of the problem. My heightened emotions can mean that "entertaining" is defined in a variety of ways. This book is currently entertaining my sullen and depressed side. I don't generally need help with that. Although, since I started taking the meds, I have complained that my emotions have become somewhat blunted so maybe I should look for literature of this sort. Something to stretch my emotions blunted by medication because my emotions were out of control. Sheesh.

In other news, I am currently looking for a job. Not just part time tutoring and such but, instead, a real job. Something that will pay me for the 4 years I poured into earning a degree. It's been so long I almost feel like it doesn't count. Like somehow I missed the opportunity to use it. Let's hope not.

Oh yeah, just found out that a friend is moving a couple of states away. Feeling pretty raw about that. It's happened a lot over the last couple of years. So much so that I am starting to really shy away from making new friends. I need some to stick around. At least one.

Okay, I am done pouting about that for now. Time to get back to reading the book that is scratching at my blunted emotions.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ephram's Birthday Weekend

I meant to blog Friday night. That's progress, you know, meaning to blog. Anyhow, James got me a room by myself for Mother's Day last Friday night. He brought me dinner, I brought a movie and some books.

The first thing I did was turn the TV on. Isn't that always the first thing? I started to flip through the channels and suddenly realized I could waste my entire night alone zoned out watching TV or I could actually do the things I say I never have time to do. Like read. So, I turned the TV off and opened my books.

At some point I decided to get online and write some on my blog. I turned on my laptop and waited for it to load so I could tap into the wireless network. Uh oh, no wireless. Yep, that's right, in a room less than a year old there was no wireless. Talk about crazy. So, anyhow, I never did get to the blog that night.

The next morning I came home to help James finish getting ready for Ephram's birthday party. Seemed so odd as I generally consider that type of thing mostly my job but he took charge and readied the apartment, baked the cupcakes and took care of the kids so I could have my night away. It was an amazing blessing.

We had six kids total for the swim party. I think this was the the first time Ephram really understood what it meant to have a birthday. He enjoyed every minute of it. We had planned to spend Mother's Day with some friends who also came to his party and they ended up forgetting his gift. When we arrived at their house on Sunday they gave him his gift and, thus, birthday weekend continued.

Today is his actual birthday so we brought some frosted animal cookies to school for snack and his friends all sang to him there. We, of course, also made him a special dinner tonight and he got another birthday balloon. At this point, as far as Ephram is concerned, birthdays last for at least a week. I guess when you're four they kind of do.

Most of all, the weekend was fun. I did have a little bit of an emotional meltdown last night but it was minimal compared to what it could have been. Definitely an improvement. Let's hope I can keep that up.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The trouble with blogging...

The trouble with blogging is that you never know who is going to read it. Ideally, as a blogger, you'd think I want readers. And I do. In fact when this thing gets in motion I think it will be a very important blog to maybe even a handful of people.

Why? Well, I plan to write about my experiences with borderline personality disorder and sometimes, more specifically, how my medication has helped but has also changed a part of me that I kind of miss. But, more on all that later.

For now, the issue is who will be reading this. Let's face it, sometimes a completely anonymous place to expose ourselves is attractive. I would censor a lot less of what I said if I were certain that nobody I knew would ever read it. At least not anyone who might be upset or slighted by what they read.

So, let's just say upfront that sometimes my perspective is skewed. Sometimes I can be self-centered in how I might recollect certain events. Sometimes I can be unfair in how I interpret the way people react to me. The truth is, I am not easy to live with. I do know that but, this blog is about how I feel. I know that my feelings are no gospel to be lived by but I need a place to express them nonetheless. This is that place.

If you recognize yourself in any posts, forgive me in advance if I do not represent you fairly. I thank you for that and for your love and support for me. Thanks again for reading and know that I love you all.

Friday, April 30, 2010

What is blotting anyways?

A few days ago I announced that I was going to start blogging again. I made this announcement via Twitter. I also happened to use my "smart" phone to post said announcement. It went something like this, "I think I am going to start blogging again." Trouble is, my (ahem) smart phone didn't recognize the word "blogging" and changed it to "blotting" and before I realized the change had been made, the tweet was sent. You can imagine how that went. If you use Twitter, you know what it's like to have smart ass friends follow you and jump onto a mis-tweet as if I don't fumble over my words all the time.

The interpretations were all pretty much the same. Since when did I call it blotting and why would I announce it to Twitterverse. Yeah. Nevermind that I immediately corrected the blunder so that everyone would know I had meant to write "blogging". And people wonder why I never stuck with the last four blogs I started.

Anyhow, today, as I was brainstorming on what to name my new BLOG, I decided to hit up my tweeps on Twitter to get my creative juices flowing. I kept coming back to "Call Me Crazy" because this blog will at time be about me acting crazy but I felt like I shouldn't be labeling myself as crazy like that. It's one thing to get comfortable with reality, quite another to be defined by certain disadvantages.

Well, the suggestion came up to call it Blotting as a nod to the recent misunderstanding. Cute I thought. I like it. Yet, I was still stuck on the idea of somehow alluding to craziness and someone suggested this name. Blotting Like Crazy. Perfect. For lots of reasons.

So, welcome to my new blog. It will be about my life. Often about the space between my ears and how what goes on up there doesn't define me, but, it does affect me. With any luck, I will stick with this one for a bit. We shall see.